Kerosene
by firedraygon
Summary: As the night falls in Leaf Village, weirdness abounds. Ramenlovers Naruto and Itachi visit their favourite restaurant, Ichiraku, and who better to drag along than Sasuke and Orochimaru? Chapter 3 up! Happy Canada Day!
1. Insanity After Dark

AN: *sighs heavily* I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm facing some writer's block (the ideas just aren't coming!!!), so I'm just going to sit myself down and write something in hopes that it will clear this up. I was going to do some SasuNaru fluff, but I've just changed my mind. *thumbs up* I warn you, I'm starting off with no ideas whatsoever, so this will probably be very odd and random (if you can't already tell, the title has no relation to this fic. If I manage to incorporate something about it later on, I will be surprised). Everyone will be four years older so that way, nothing I do will be shota. Anyway, enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: I own Naruto. I said it, I said it! ...Nothing's happening. This isn't what I expected at --Hey! Let go of me! No! I don't WANT to listen to the nice doctors in the white coats!  
  
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Kerosene:  
  
Insanity After Dark  
  
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Naruto trudged home after a long day of training. He arrived after Kakashi-sensei, for some bizarre reason (an old woman _insisted_ that he help move her some thirty boxes of belongings to her new house across town), and ended up doing 200 laps around Konohagakure as punishment. His muscles were aching and he had wanted to vomit, but since he never had breakfast or lunch, there was nothing to throw up. After a few steps inside his small apartment, he collapsed on the floor in a dead sleep, not bothering to lock his door.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sasuke had also dragged his worn-out body back to his apartment after out-running the 8 o'clock mob of fangirls. Upon his arrival, he had snuck in through the window, not wanting to face the few crazy stalkers waiting in front of his door for his return, and flopped himself on his futon. Visions of various ways to torture Kakashi-sensei ran through his head, but he shut them out quickly. Today hadn't been that bad -- they were only forced to run 200 laps because of Naruto, climb the three tallest trees in the forest using one foot, spar for three consecutive hours _blindfolded_ and with one arm tied behind their back, and do fifty sets each of forty- eight advanced chakra training techniques. They had been through worse, when Kakashi-sensei had a particularly bad fight with Iruka-sensei. When would people should learn to keep their personal lives out of their professional lives? On top of it all, they weren't allowed a lunch break, so the only thing that kept him going was the single slice of toast he had popped in his mouth before departing at 4:30 in the morning. His stomache grumbled loudly and he brought his hands up to rub at his throbbing temples. Of course, he would never admit he was tired or anything. He had an image to uphold, especially around his team mates, Sakura and Naruto. He was 'The Cool One', or so a blond haired shinobi once dubbed him. He ignored his rumbling tummy and nodded off to sleep. Unbeknownst to him, one of his 'regulars' had finally managed to pick the lock and was about to enter when she was suddenly jumped by the 'Sasuke Faithfuls', one of the most vicious of all his fanclubs and rival to the infamous 'We Love Sasuke- sama' group.  
  
Sasuke awoke to much screaming, banging, cussing, and further violent noises. In the fear of being discovered, he escaped through whence he came with a burst of adrenaline and fled to the only place he could think of, which was, surprise, surprise, Naruto's apartment.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In another part of the village, Itachi sat eating a bowl of ramen. It wasn't the greatest ramen he'd ever had, but it definitely wasn't the worst. He finished his bowl and ordered another one, earning some strange looks from other customers sitting far away from him. He shot them all glares, to which they all cringed away, and started to eat his seventh bowl that evening. Consuming his food in record time, he slammed the correct amount of money in whatever currency was acceptable and left with his cape- like robe thing billowing behind him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Orochimaru yawned and sat awkwardly on the throne he had made from old cardboard boxes. His head hung upside down and his legs were propped up over the back of the chair. He scratched absently at the rash he had developed on his neck from being exposed to grapefruit juice and sighed. He. Was. Bored. He was completely bored out of his mind. All of his followers, or what he liked to call 'minions', were out doing dastardly deeds in his name, and he was stuck inside the dank hideout with nothing to do at all.  
  
An idea suddenly hit him and he cackled insanely to himself for quite a long time. Eventually running out of breath, he slid down to the floor and sat up abruptly on his seat. Unfortunately, his homemade throne was not as sturdy as one would think, and it caved under his hasty movements. A cloud of dust rose into the air and reminded Orochimaru to have Kabuto clean up the place. He stood and brushed himself off.  
  
'Now to go visit my old friend, Sasuke-kun,' Orochimaru thought gleefully. His brilliance amazed even himself at times. He exited the hideout and almost skipped to his destination, but not before scrawling a note, telling his loyal subjects that he was going out for a midnight stroll and not to come looking for him. It wasn't that he didn't like their company. It was just that they tended to compete with each other for his attention and that was just bloody annoying at times.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Itachi had originally planned to go to his brother's apartment and taunt the poor boy until he said something mildly entertaining, such as, "I WILL kill you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I WILL kill you, for I *dramatic pose* am an AVENGER!" He could always get a laugh out of Sasuke's melodramatics. However, he was equally surprised and disappointed when he didn't find his brother, but instead, a horde of females trying to kill each other for 'Sasuke-sama''s hair gel flakes. He quickly broke up the crowd and ushered them out of Sasuke's apartment, claiming to be Sasuke's aniki. Several of them swooned while the rest of them made at to glomp him, screaming, "Another Uchiha! He's MINE!" Using a basic Kawarimi, he switched with an unsuspecting, and unlucky, man walking by and quickly blended into the shadows after rounding a corner. A high pitched scream was let out and Itachi almost felt sorry for the man. He really would have to give his brother a break once in a while. To think Sasuke had to avoid this all day and night.  
  
A slight tap on his shoulder made him jump, thinking that he had been found, and he turned to see Orochimaru glaring at him with fire in his eyes. Parts of his clothes were torn off and scratches were everywhere. Orochimaru growled and punched Itachi in the face. "You bastard!"  
  
Itachi hit a wall, but remained standing. "What the hell was that for?!" he asked as if he was being falsely accused, but he knew what had happened. It didn't take a genius, though he was one, to figure out that Orochimaru was the one he had switched places with. He rubbed his sore cheek and returned the heated glare. Orochimaru was unfazed.  
  
"Where's Sasuke-kun?" he hissed. Itachi haughtily walked past the pissed off Sennin and saw the bodies of fangirls littering the hallway. "What? They were irritating. You would've done the same and you know it."  
  
"You DO realize that this one is Sasuke's friend, don't you?" Itachi said, kicking at the lifeless form of a certain pink haired girl. She had 'President Haruno Sakura' on the back of her shirt and it was obvious that she was the leader of the notorious 'Sasuke Faithfuls'.  
  
"And your point is?" Orochimaru said and pointed at a wound, "She BIT me."  
  
Itachi's 'Ahhh...' was interrupted by another group of girls appearing out of nowhere. A blond wearing a shirt with 'Ino + Sasuke-sama = Love' bowed to the two men. "You have ridden us of the vile 'Sasuke Faithfuls'. We are eternally grateful. Now we may pursue our beloved Sasuke- sama without worry of their treacherous ways." The rest of the girls followed suit and gave deep bows. "We must get back to work. Ladies!"  
  
"HAI!" The fangirls vanished, leaving behind a banner that read, 'We Love Sasuke-sama!' Orochimaru shook his head and Itachi sighed.  
  
"Kids these days need to get a life," they said simultaneously.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sasuke ran like a wild animal, narrowly missing evening pedestrians. He kept on hearing noises behind him and was afraid that he was officially going mental. After seventeen minutes of non-stop running (fear can do that to you), he made it to Naruto's apartment building. Without knocking, he grabbed at the knob and turned it. To his shock, the door flung open and he continued into the apartment, tripping over something and crashing to the floor.  
  
Naruto jumped to his feet, senses alert and ready for any signs of danger. It was dark already, but light came in from the hallway. Wait, the hallway? He went to flick on the lights and was astonished to see Sasuke sitting on his living room floor, clutching his knee. "Dead-last, what the hell were you doing on the damn floor?! And why wasn't your stupid door locked?! Damnit!"  
  
Naruto's anger prickled and he became defensive. "You're asking what I was doing on MY floor?! I should be asking you what YOU'RE doing in my apartment! Bastard!"  
  
"Me?! I'm hiding from Sakura and her idiot followers! They actually made it INTO my apartment this time!" Sasuke shouted. A bump from underneath caused Sasuke to yelp.  
  
"SHUT UP, UP THERE!" An old woman's voice yelled. Naruto paled.  
  
"Sasuke!" he whispered loudly, "Stop being so noisy! That's the manager's aunt! She's been looking for a reason to have me evicted for ages now!"  
  
"Yeah, well, you SHOULD be evicted! NORMAL people don't go lying in front of a doorway, dumb ass!" Sasuke shot back, also whispering.  
  
"You callin' me abnormal now?!"  
  
"And what if I am?!"  
  
"I'm gonna come over there and kick your ass!"  
  
"I'd like to see you go ahead and try!"  
  
"Oh, I will!" Naruto was about to launch himself at Sasuke when suddenly two strong arms wrapped around him from behind. Naruto stiffened and his eyes widened. Sasuke was also a little dumbfounded, but quickly regained his wits and glared.  
  
"Aniki, what are you doing here?!" Sasuke demanded. He was about to attack, but someone was holding onto his shoulders. He whipped his head around and his jaw dropped. "WHAT?! Orochimaru, too?!"  
  
"I just LOVE your warm welcome, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru said sarcastically. Sasuke cursed inwardly. There was no chance to escape if both his brother and the snake bastard were here. He sighed in defeat.  
  
"Oi, it's RUDE to come in uninvited, you know! And keep it down! The neighbours will get mad!" Naruto finally said harshly, but quietly, bringing everyone's attention to him. Oddly enough, all dark haired men mumbled their apologies. "Someone smells like ramen," Naruto stated all of a sudden. He sniffed the air for a few moments and finally turned to face his restrainer. "You had beef ramen, didn't you? At Ichiraku?"  
  
"HOW did you KNOW?!" Itachi asked, amazed. He not only guessed the place right, but also the flavour of ramen.  
  
"So you really eat there, too?" Naruto asked.  
  
"What do you mean, 'too'? That's my favourite ramen place!" Itachi said proudly.  
  
"You're kidding! It's MY favourite ramen place!" Naruto said, getting excited. A ramen lover rarely ever met another ramen lover, so Naruto hoped that this man really did like ramen as much as he did. He found that he was now grasping the other man's hands in his and they both had the same idea in mind.  
  
"To Ichiraku!" They exclaimed together. Naruto and Itachi linked arms and dragged stunned and confused Sasuke and Orochimaru along behind them. Orochimaru struggled, but even he couldn't break from Itachi's strong grip.  
  
"This manhandling has got to stop!" Orochimaru cried indignantly, earning a few yells from other people inside their own apartments. Realizing that he couldn't get away, he relented.  
  
"Let me go! I don't WANT to go eat ramen with my murdering brother, psychotic megalomaniac, and idiot team mate who doesn't know how to sleep on a mattress!" Sasuke also said. All three stopped to glare at him. He 'eep'-ed and said, "To Ichiraku it is?" which seemed to suffice at the moment.  
  
This night would be a very long and very strange night indeed.  
  
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AN: So how did you like it? Scared? Fascinated? Don't think I can be anymore messed in the head? *wails* I want ItaNaru! If you can't already tell ;P I know I said before that there wouldn't be OrochiSasu, but it's funny when Orochimaru tries to molest Sasuke. XD Expect to see some more of that, but don't worry, it'll just be Oro-chan trying to make Sasuke squirm.  
  
Hehehe, the beginning is cute. Near the end it starts to get weird, no? Well, Sakura's dead, so I don't have to worry about adding her in later. I'm thinking of putting Kakashi and Iruka into the fic. I mean, I DID mention them earlier, and I'll let you guys decide if it's yaoi-ish or not. Heh.  
  
I was trying to write humour, so I'm sorry if you don't think it's funny. I thought it was amusing. *shrugs* But then again, I wrote it.  
  
I fixed the spelling errors (Ichiraku, not Icharaku...silly me. ^^;) and some of the grammar problems, but if you see more, please tell me!  
  
If you've read 'Mistaken Memories', my Orochimaru and Naruto centered fic (but eventual SasuNaru, of course), I just want to say now that all of his minions are dead from the previous attempt to take over, so they won't be appearing anytime soon. Thanks for reading and reviewing!  
  
Now please review! Please? I thrive on reviews. They could inspire me so that I can update my other fics. *hinthint* Well, thanks anyway! Have fun doing whatever it is you do online! Ja! 


	2. Madness at the Ramen Place

AN: Alright, I'm back, but this time it's not Writer's Block. It's a little something I call, 'Procrastination'. I'm sure you all understand what that is. *sigh* I don't want to study...  
  
Thank you for all the lovely reviews. I'm glad you enjoy this ficlet. ^^  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing of value; therefore, I do not own Naruto.  
  
"...Chicken...gave me a bad coupon..."  
-- Peter Griffin, Family Guy  
  
"Get ye flask." "You can't get ye flask!" ... "Graphics, shmaphics...for sooth!"  
-- Strong Bad, HomestarRunner.com  
  
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Kerosene:  
  
Madness at the Ramen Place  
  
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Naruto scratched his head and looked towards the older Uchiha for a clue. The latter shrugged and pointed to the right. The four people walked in that direction for several minutes, with Naruto at the head, and somehow eventually found their way back to where they had started: In front of Naruto's apartment.  
  
"My brain is focused on sleep right now, so I probably subconsciously made my way back here. No worries, after a good wake-up call, I'll be ready to go." Naruto slapped himself on both cheeks lightly and blinked rapidly. Tired of waiting for Naruto to finish, Sasuke threw a bucket of water, conveniently lying there on the sidewalk, at the orange clad boy. "Damn, that's bloody cold, bastard! What are you doing?!"  
  
"I want to get this over with as soon as possible, so hurry your ass up and lead us there! Aniki's apparently forgotten --"  
  
"Temporarily misplaced!" Itachi interjected indignantly.  
  
"-- Where the place is, and I'm too lazy to look up the address in the phone book!"  
  
"That's not something to be bragging about, you know, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru drawled. Sasuke cringed away from the hand snaking along his arm and slapped it away.  
  
"Pedophile!" Sasuke pulled out a can of pepper spray and, well, sprayed it in Orochimaru's face. Inhuman screeches filled the air, drawing the attention of several pedestrians. They wisely averted their eyes and walked away quickly when they saw Orochimaru trying to scratch his eyeballs out. When the pale, snake-like man moved the hands from his face, his eyes were red and puffy, as if he'd been crying.  
  
"You look like you just cried," Itachi stated the obvious. Orochimaru glared, but ended up looking like a hamster, what with the way his cheeks were starting to puff up, too. "Hey, I think you're having an allergic reaction to the spray." He turned to his brother. "Is that normal? Where did you get that stuff anyway, Sasuke? Why do you even need it?" Sasuke uttered two words, which seemed to satisfy his brother's curiosity.  
  
"Rabid fangirls."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Itachi hummed a merry little melody to himself, which, unfortunately to those around him, was horribly out of tune. The once soaked Naruto was now completely dry, but sporting a mean sniffle. He sneezed occasionally, which broke the painful noise coming from the older Uchiha. A mumbled 'Bless you' came each time from Orochimaru, whose face was even more swollen and red than before. Sasuke had run out of pepper spray after several more attempts of what most people would call sexual harassment. Sasuke was a patient person, but even he had his limit.  
  
"Do you know where you're even going?!" Sasuke shouted as he noticed that their group had passed the same garbage can for the nth time. "How could you forget where your favourite restaurant _is_?! The measure of your love for ramen is rivaled only by your extremely horrible sense of direction -- or lack of one thereof. Oh no, _wait_, your idiocy reigns supreme, doesn't it? I can tell. Who else would invite his arch-rival and two of the most wanted men from the Leaf?! Hmm, maybe Kiba, but that's beside the point --"  
  
"Will you shut up and let me concentrate?! It's been a damn long day, so give me a freakin' break!" Naruto rubbed at his temples and muttered more unintelligible things. Itachi whacked his little brother upside the head and frowned.  
  
"I really don't remember you being this whiny, Sasuke. How did you come to be like this? Where did I go _wrong_?" Itachi dramatically brought the back of his hand to his forehead. "Has my absence in your life driven you to become a spoiled brat?! Oh, woe is me!" Sasuke glared.  
  
"Maybe I would've been spoiled if you hadn't _killed the entire clan_!"  
  
"Nonsense! What are you talking about? There are," Itachi counted off his fingers, "You...Me...That's two still alive. See? Not the _entire_ clan." The prodigy crossed his arms and looked at his younger brother smugly. Sasuke's finger twitched towards his concealed kunai.  
  
"...The sad thing is, I don't think he's joking." Orochimaru commented, earning him a cold look from Sasuke. Naruto, having completely ignored the current on goings, raised his head to the air and sniffed loudly.  
  
"I _smell_ it! It's pork ramen! Come on!" Naruto motioned for the others to follow him and took off like a gasoline-soaked rag-dog on fire. They gave each other blank looks and ran after the boy.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Finally!" Naruto said, throwing himself at the counter and kissing it reverently. Some of the customers stared and started edging away. Ichiraku's owner rapped him over the head with a pair of chopsticks.  
  
"Get your sorry ass off my counter, Uzumaki!" After one quick shove, Naruto was sprawled on the ground. He rubbed his head and sat up.  
  
"Jeez, Carl, I thought we were on a first name basis by now! How could you treat your best customer like this?" Naruto scowled and stood up, brushing his pants clean.  
  
"In your dreams, boy! After your disappearing act yesterday, not to mention last week's attempt to buy ramen with bits of string --!" The wide, middle-aged man named Carl began heatedly, but Naruto silenced him with a hand.  
  
"Not today, nope! Today I can legally get my dru -- er, my ramen!!" Naruto said proudly, thumping his chest and sitting down on a stool. After hearing this, Carl's ears perked up.  
  
"Oh, really?"  
  
"Yup! Tonight's a special occasion!" Naruto flashed a 'V' sign. He leaned in towards the older man and grinned his fox-like grin.  
  
"How so?" Carl asked, curious. The fact that Naruto didn't even _try_ to get free ramen from him was surprising enough. He was half expecting another false claim that today was Naruto's birthday, and that the blond deserved a bowl on the house. Suddenly, three more potential customers, concealed in the shadows, started to slow to a halt in front of his restaurant. Acting on years of experience running a ramen place where Naruto was a frequent visitor, he pushed the boy out of his seat and waved to the mysterious figures. "Welcome, welcome! Please come in! There's a special going on tonight: Buy one bowl, get another bowl of equal or lesser value half price!"  
  
"Carl, what the hell --?!" Before Naruto could finish, from his awkward position on the ground, a sauce plate from no where smashed into his skull. He howled in pain. His agonizing screams, however, were shortly drowned out by delighted squealing from one Uchiha Itachi.  
  
"Half price?! Are you serious?! Ohmigosh, ohmigosh! This is so fan_tas_tical!" Instantaneously, Itachi was in Naruto's former spot, rattling off his order to the attentive man behind the counter.  
  
"...one deluxe bowl of today's special, hold the octopus, okay, got it." Carl muttered while scrawling on a pad of paper. "...beef ramen, large pork ramen...chicken, miso..." Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as he tried to keep up with his customer. "...three bowls of...! Itachi-san, please slow down!"  
  
"How can you say that, Carl-san?! You should've realized the consequences when you told me about the special! I have my needs and -- Oh, Naruto! I didn't see you there!" Itachi said, surprised when Naruto's face appeared next to his. He was oblivious to the glare from the short teen. "Would you like to order as well?" Naruto shoved Itachi off his stool and sat back down. Bewildered, Itachi looked to Carl, who was positively fuming.  
  
"How _dare_ you treat my most honoured patron like that! You ingrate! After all I've done for you!" Carl reached out to wring Naruto's neck, but the blond pulled back.  
  
"No, how could _you_, Carl? After all we've been through? That one sneaky cockroach, that drunk who groped the waitress...how could you choose _him_ over _me_?!" Naruto said vehemently, pointing to Itachi, who just looked confused.  
  
Carl looked indecisive for a moment, as if he was reliving the memories Naruto talked about, but he steeled himself and said in an icy tone, "Simple. It's about the money. It's always about the money. Let's face it, brat, you have none, and he has a lot."  
  
Naruto turned away and let his bangs cover his eyes. "I knew I should've gone to the ramen place by the academy since the beginning." Carl gasped. "Their beef ramen has more beef anyway..." Naruto's voice cracked at the end and his lip quivered. Gentle arms pulled him into an embrace and he sobbed pitifully into Itachi's chest. The dark-haired man petted the top of Naruto's head.  
  
"Shh, you shouldn't say things you'll regret later on. Just calm down and relax..." Itachi continued to whisper soothing words to the crying boy. Naruto hiccupped and cried even harder. "C'mon, let's eat some ramen. Trust me, it'll help in the healing process. My treat!" At those words, Naruto's tears miraculously dried and he looked up with bright eyes.  
  
"Really?!"  
  
"Really-really." Itachi said with a warm smile. Naruto flung his arms around the cape-clad man's neck and applause erupted from the small crowd that had started to form around the pair since Carl's initial outburst at Naruto. One old lady wiped a tear from her eye. The entire crying fit totally forgotten, Naruto energetically started ordering multiple bowls of ramen, specifying the order at which they were to be served. The crowd dispersed once they realized the drama was over and went back to their seats. Still by where they originally stopped, Sasuke looked at Orochimaru.  
  
"What the _hell_ just happened there?" Sasuke whispered harshly to his older companion.  
  
"No clue, but that has got to be the strangest thing I have ever seen." Orochimaru replied, half in awe at the recent transpirations, and half in mortification at the scene of two of the most powerful men stuffing their faces with noodles. Sasuke nodded.  
  
"I'm glad we agree on something."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sasuke was sitting silently, three seats away from Naruto, occasionally wiping the splatter of soup that reached him even there. He slowly ate his own, single order of ramen. Orochimaru, with his hamster- cheek face, flirted. Apparently the pepper spray was still affecting his vision, because he did not notice that he was trying to sweet talk a plastic plant. The four of them managed to scare off all other customers, but, frankly, Carl didn't give a damn. As long as he was going to make a lot of money tonight, (and, boy, was he going to, since Itachi-san was going to be paying for both his and Naruto's food) he could put up with rude demands from the two ramen-fanatics and their slightly odder-than- average friends. Heck, those two could order him to serve their food in a dress and he would comply if that meant they'd stay and eat more. He could already sense enough money coming in to close the place for a week and relax at the hot springs...  
  
The clatter of bowls knocked Carl from his daydream. Naruto was clutching at his stomach with soup dripping from the corner of his mouth, moaning pitifully. Itachi politely wiped his lips with a napkin and leaned back a bit in his stool. He turned to look at Naruto and frowned. "What's wrong? Full already?" Naruto glared and waved off Itachi's concern.  
  
"In your dreams, Uchiha! I'm just getting started. Just watch and --!" Naruto clapped a hand to his mouth as his face turned a sickly pale colour. He bolted from his spot and ran to find a trash can, only disappointed to discover that the restaurant was really dirty and had none. He spotted a plant pot and shoved someone out of the way before emptying his stomach into the container. Naruto leaned his head on the edge of the pot and groaned.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?!" Orochimaru screamed at the ill boy. "You saw me trying to seduce her! You have some nerve trying to look up her dress now!" On the other side of the room, Sasuke made a face.  
  
"I did _not_ need that mental image. I just lost my appetite," the raven-haired teen said, pushing his bowl away. It was quickly placed back in front of him by his brother, who gave him a reprimanding look.  
  
"Sasuke, don't waste perfectly good ramen. What if _you_ were starving on a deserted island one day with a pirate captain that saved your life?" Itachi scolded in a condescending tone.  
  
"..." Sasuke just stared.  
  
"Suit yourself." Itachi shrugged and took the bowl of ramen back to his seat. Naruto groggily came back and sat beside Itachi, resting his head on the counter. Orochimaru was apologizing to the plant about his friend's rude behaviour, and Sasuke sat and looked off into the distance. Itachi finished off his food with a satisfied slurp. "I haven't had such a good meal in ages!"  
  
"Ugh, the day when ramen gives me indigestion...reminds me of the time I jumped Sasuke in the academy..." Naruto said, not really paying attention.  
  
"..." Sasuke didn't comment.  
  
"...Oh, it looks like my friends are just about done. Here, I'll give you my cell number. Call me." Orochimaru suavely tucked a piece of paper into the plant's leaves and winked. He spun on his heels and walked towards his 'friends'. "Ready to go yet?"  
  
Itachi nodded and called for a check. Carl hastily provided the bill and rubbed his hands together greedily, getting weird looks from Naruto. The blond had never seen the owner so...giddy...before. It was eerie.  
  
Itachi reached into his cloak and frowned. He felt around a bit, checking all his pockets, and his frown deepened.  
  
"Itachi-san, is there a problem?" Carl asked, his nervousness growing by the second. The hesitant way Itachi was acting could really only mean one thing, though he hoped against hope he was wrong. His suspicions were confirmed, however, when Itachi's frown was replaced by a calm face.  
  
"Sorry, Carl-san, but it seems like I've misplaced my wallet."  
  
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AN: Did you guys catch my reference to One Piece? Man, I love that series. Luffy is so great. ^^  
  
You may be wondering what the hell I was smoking when I wrote the first scene at Ichiraku, so let me explain: I was making fun of soap operas. Didn't you see the cheesy and over-dramatized lines? "It's about the money. It's always about the money." *snickers*  
  
I *heart* Itachi. I can't wait to hear his voice in the anime. ^^ I hope it's not really deep. *shudder*  
  
Obviously, Carl is an OC. Personally, I am not too fond of OC's, but since I didn't know the name of the actual owner if Ichiraku, this had to do. Please bear with him. He will most likely be gone by the next chapter.  
  
Anyway, I actually have a slight idea to where this is going. I'm thinking of making this mainly a gen-fic, with shounen-ai hints (because I have no clue as to how any of them will get together), but if enough people complain, I might change my mind. *winks* It's always about pleasing the readers.  
  
What do you guys think of karaoke? *cackles insanely* No wait, scratch that thought. Whatever happens next will depend on my state of mind when I'm procrastinating for a different project. Thanks again for all your pretty reviews! I hope you leave some more for me to read!  
  
If you find that something I wrote in the first chapter doesn't match with this one, please tell me. It's a problem of mine. I write that he's 16, and the next time I add more to the fic, I think he's 12...-___- Please note that I write bits of the chapter when I have free time (when I feel like it), so my train of thought may be a little off-track at times. ^^; 


	3. Monosodium Glutamate

AN: It's summer vacation! HAPPY CANADA DAY! Look forward (or dread) more updates from me more often now! XP Thanks to everyone for their loverly reviews and comments. Reading them makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. :3

Disclaimer: I no own Naruto. Boo.

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Kerosene 

Monosodium Glutamate

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"What did you say?" three voices cried in unison, but with different emphases on different words in the phrase of exclamation. One belonged to Sasuke, who, for the first time in his entire life since the slaughter of his clan, felt shame and embarrassment for being related to Itachi. The other to Naruto, whom free ramen was promised, but now it looked as though he would be working in the back yet again. The third voice was that of Carl's, who was in the process of having a minor myocardial infarcation, what with his shallow breaths and the way he was grasping at his left arm. Orochimaru was too busy blowing raspberries at himself in a hand mirror to notice that the temperature of the shop had decreased substantially, whether this was a figurative drop or the thermostat was switched off in order to save money from the heating bill. The snake-summoning ninja's cheeks had started to de-swell and now he only looked like he had been slapped a few times instead of like the loser of a bar fight. 

Itachi fought the urge to roll his eyes, which wasn't all that hard since he was naturally expressionless. From all the loud music blasting out from MP3 player headphones, it was no wonder people starting losing their hearing at such early ages. "I said, 'Sorry, Carl-san, but it seems like I've misplaced my wallet.'"

"I know what you _said_ --" Sasuke began.

"Then why'd you ask?" Itachi cut him off, properly indignant. People shouldn't ask questions they knew the answers to.

Carl clutched at his chest. "...but why, Itachi-san? _Why_? How could this have happened?" he gasped out shakily. What happened to his vacation? His dream of retiring at the ripe age of 47? He slowly slumped to the ground and laid there, breathing raggedly. "Agh, sh-shooting p-p-pains --!"

Unfortunately, none of the (ex-)Konoha ninja present had taken anything other than the usual courses, like How to Fight Dirty 101 or Assassination Etiquette. They didn't see the signs of Carl's heart attack, nor did they wonder why his face was turning a nasty shade of greyish purple. When questioned later, Naruto would reply that he just thought Carl was having a really bad stomach ache. Before long, Carl was motionless on the floor. The blond was the first to act.

"Carl? Hello, anyone home?" Naruto asked, leaning over the counter and using the back end of a chopstick to prod at the prone body of the restaurant keeper.

"He's sleeping?" Itachi suggested. "Making ramen all day isn't easy work."

"Maybe. Or maybe he's _dead_." Sasuke supplied. Really, it was no surprise who the more morbid of the Uchiha brothers was. "How can you tell though?"

After a moment, Itachi confessed. "I can't."

"Then how do you know your opponent is actually dead after you're supposed to kill him?" asked Naruto, pulling his attention away from the foam forming at the corners of Carl's mouth. He couldn't be dead, Naruto concluded, because the bubbles showed that Carl was still breathing, never mind that one was supposed to apply that rule to fish and other underwater creatures only.

"I usually lop off my target's head. That generally does the trick."

"Makes sense, I guess." Naruto conceded. "What are we going to do? We can't just leave him there like that. When he wakes up, he's going to have a serious crick in his neck."

"You would know, considering you don't sleep on mattresses either." Sasuke said offhandedly.

Naruto looked offended for a moment, then shrugged and finally said, "Not in that position."

"In any case, someone should take him home. Dead last?"

"You bastard, what the hell do I look like? Some kind of stalker!"

"You like ramen enough. I wouldn't put it past you."

Before Naruto could come back with a good retort -- he had "Oh yeah! Well _you_..." so far -- Itachi hoisted Carl, who remained in his stiff position because rigor mortis had already come into effect, into a fireman's hold and headed for the exit. Needless to say, the impending pointless argument was avoided. "Huh? Where are you taking him?"

"His apartment, of course."

"...Why do you know where he lives?"

"Foolish little brother, unlike you, I have a social life. Carl-san invites me over occasionally for tea. There's also Bingo Night for the Akatsuki. Attendance is mandatory, but it's still fun."

"Oh yeah, I miss that." Orochimaru said reflectively. "B-35 was my lucky square."

"You should come some time. Goodness knows we need someone to break Sasori's winning streak."

"Sounds fun! Can I come, too?"

At this point, Sasuke smacked Naruto on the back of his head. "Idiot, that's just asking for trouble!"

"...Dream wrecker."

"I try."

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With Itachi seeing Ichiraku's (former) owner home, Naruto declared that it was only right that he should look after the restaurant, Carl would've wanted it that way! Up in heaven, Carl felt a chill run through his mass of spiritual energy. 

"But I've only ever made instant ramen before," Naruto admitted, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"And you call yourself a ramen-lover. Che, poser."

"_Hey_, shut up -- What are you doing?" Naruto was directing this question to Orochimaru, who was putting on an apron and stepping behind the counter.

"I'll demonstrate why people flock to be my subordinates." The long-haired man switched on the stove and began preparing a bowl of miso ramen. After he put the noodles in to boil, he rummaged through the cabinets and found the secret ingredient to making anything taste good: monosodium glutamate. During all of this, Naruto watched avidly. Usually he never paid much attention to the process, since he was hungry and just wanted his food, but this time, with his stomach full of on-sale ramen, he could focus.

"...So you use three heaping tablespoons of MSG for 2 servings?"

"That's how I always do it. No one really complains." Orochimaru tasted the soup and added another dash of the white crystals. Satisfied with his creation, he ladled the soup onto the cooked ramen and pushed the bowl towards Naruto, whose mouth was watering regardless of the 10 plus bowls he'd had earlier. He just couldn't pass up ramen, you know. "Now you'll understand why my men adore me! It's not just my dashing good looks and awesome fashion sense!" Sasuke gagged.

"Oh wow, this is really good! I mean, _REALLY_ good. Really. Hee." Naruto continued to slurp down his noodles even as magical ponies started appearing in his line of vision. Such pretty colours! He'd pet them after he finished eating for sure!

"Why am I still here?" Sasuke muttered to himself. He eyed the fallen bag of MSG on the counter, the contents of it spilling out. Waste not, want not, his mother used to tell him and so he swept the cooking ingredient into his hand and put it back into the pouch. Then he turned his head quickly and sneezed. Someone must've been talking about him, he noted, wiping his nose with the back of his index finger and sniffing loudly. He paused and sniffed again. "This isn't MSG."

"What else could it be, Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru asked creepily.

"...No _wonder_ they're so addicted to this place..." Sasuke muttered to himself, completely ignoring the other man. "That guy's been adding drugs to his ramen!"

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AN: Told you I didn't like OC's. XD So yes, Carl's dead, you can relax now. I originally had something entirely different planned for this chapter, but I guess it kinda wrote itself. This will definitely be a gen-fic now because I am sadly lacking in that category. I have no idea how long this thing will be, but hopefully it's not getting boring. Anyway, please review! I know it's dumb to expect everyone who reads to review, but seriously, it's disheartening with the new hit counter now. XD; But yes, happy Canada Day, everyone! 


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